Dying for Happiness: The Trial of My Life Part 1

"Elder Dye was a late talker." Said my mother. "He only said a few words until he was 3 years old and I tried to put shoes on him that were too small. He said 'Mommy, these shoes owie my feet'. I was shocked. He really could talk. He started speech 'therapy' in kindergarten and was doing quite well. The only problem was that he had a slight hesitation when he said certain things. He stopped speech in the fifth grade. He said it wasn't helping anymore and he didn't like missing classes."

For as long as I remember I have had trouble with my speech. I had the hesitation, or stutter, from a young age. My mother is right, I quit going to speech in the fifth grade because I thought it was a waste of time and didn't like missing class, but mainly because I did not like being the outcast in my class, having to leave to go learn how to speak like everyone else already did. So the hiding began. I began to substitute words that I could say for words that I thought I would stutter on. I got quite good at this. Actually really good at it. For a while my mother did not know that the stutter was a problem because I hid it from everyone. I hated being the outcast.

My mother continues, "When he was a junior in High School the 'hesitation' started getting worse.  We really did not know where to turn for help."

My mother asked if I wanted to go back to speech therapy at the school. I told her "NO WAY! They don't know what they are talking about and don't know how to help me." So the hiding continued. After hiding my stutter for so long, it began to get harder and harder to hide it. In my Junior year, with the added stress of High School life, and being involved in many other things, the efforts to hide my stutter began to come to no avial. There began to be more and more words and sounds that I would stutter on and less and less ways I could get around it.

For most of my life I was a happy person and mainly had a positive attitude about things. But as the stress increased, so did the stutter, and as a result my positive attitude began to decrease.

"By his senior year it was so bad it was difficult to watch him speak.  His face would become distorted as he tried desperately to express himself.  It became very worrisome to all of us." Said my mom.

As the stutter and difficulty to speak continued to increase, depression also began to increase. As depression increased, so did my stress level, which as stated earlier made my stutter worse. So as you can tell, it was a cycle that continued to get worse and worse. In the midst of this deadening cycle, other things in my life also began to change. I noticed that I was not reading the scriptures as much, and my prayers were quite pathetic when they happened. I began to wonder if God really loved me, and I had come to the conclusion that I was probably viewed as an outsider, even to God. From the experiences earlier in my life, I knew that there was a God and I knew that he had power. But I began to make my self believe that He no longer cared about me! It got to the point to where I knew that something had to change. But I did not know where to turn.

Mom continues, "I asked him what he was willing to do and he said anything.  I have a good friend whose a speech pathologist and she suggested I do research online to find help about stuttering.  That is really the first time I heard the word Stutter. After much fasting and prayer I found the name of a Dr. Michael Susca who taught at the University of Pacific in Stockton California. About 45 minutes from our home. I called what I thought was an office number and discovered I had the cell phone number of Dr. Susca. After talking with him for an hour and then talking it over with my husband and Elder Dye, we decided to take him up to Stockton for an evaluation. Dr. Susca said that Elder Dye had learned how to cover his stutter and he had run out of techniques.  He then said he needed to learn to 'stutter his brains out.' It was a blessing in our lives to find such a respected and qualified person to help our son."

This was when things began to change. I realized that I was a normal person, even if I didn't speak like most other people. I learned that Dr. Susca had a stutter as a boy and now is 100 percent fluent. Hope began to enter into my life. Although, my attitude was still negtive and I was still quite depressed. So I decided that I needed to turn to one more person to help me through this. The person who knows me and what I am going through.

As I prayed I asked if he was there and if he knew me. In a way my prayer was that of the Children's song, "A Child's Prayer." "Heavenly Father, are you really there? And do you hear and answer ev’ry child’s prayer?" I felt a warmth and love that I had not felt before. I knew that God was there, I knew that Christ knew what I was going through. I learned that the atonement was there for everything we suffer in this life, not just our sins. (see Alma 7:11-13) I learned that there was a way out, and that Christ was willing to take me on the path out from this depression and trial, if I was willing to let him. So on we went. I began to pray more and read the scriptures more, and through this was when I knew without a doubt that the Book of Mormon and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was true.  I saw my attitude begin to change, I felt happiness and peace that I had not felt in a long time! I knew that I was not an outsider!

Continue reading "The Trial of My Life Part ~ 2"

Look Through Heaven's Eyes

Continued from "Trash to Masterpiece"

Although we may be a piece of trash, we have to look at ourselves through heaven's eyes, and not the eyes of the world. For the world will tell us we are a worthless piece of garbage, but heaven will tell us that we are a lovely piece of trash, that with some work we will soon be a beautiful masterpiece.

Here is an example of looking through heaven's eyes at trash.

These are examples of how men, looked at a pile of trash and did not see the worthlessness and uselessness of it as the world does, but they looked at that trash through  heaven's eyes, and saw the great potential it had. Yes, I am sure that it was a lot of work, that these men needed a lot of help and that there were many hard times. But look at it now, homes made of trash!

So it is with our lives, if we look through heaven's eyes we will see the great potential we have and with some hard work, and a lot of help from Christ and good friends, we can turn our lives into a masterpiece that is worthy to enter into God's kingdom.

I love the song, "Through Heaven's Eyes." Here are some lines from it:
"So how can you see what your life is worth
or where your value lies
ohhhh, you can never see through the eyes of man
you must look at your life
look at your life through heaven's eyes

"Should a man lose everything he owns
has he truly lost his worth
or is it the beginning
of a new and brighter birth
So how do you measure the worth of a man
in wealth or strength or size
in how much he gained or how much he gave
the answer will come to ya
to look at his life through heaven's eyes"

In the last several months I have had a lot of feelings of weakness and inadequacy. I got down on my self pretty bad, to the point where I was often depressed and discouraged. As I was in this state, everything seemed to be crumbling around me. My stutter was the worst it had been my entire mission, I didn't recognize the promptings from the Holy Ghost as much, and I began to think that I was failing! With the quite bold help of my mission president and a great companion, I was challenged to look at my life through heaven's eyes, and quit listening to the voice of the great deceiver. For I am of great worth, and although I make mistakes everyday, and slip and fall often, I am not and will never be worthless in the site of God, I will always have great potential in his eyes, if I but make the decision to change, and put some work into it. For Christ said, "there is joy in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner that repenteth" (Luke 15:10) As we try our best to continue to improve, but realize that we are not perfect and it will take time, we will be blessed! Don't ever give up on yourself!

Here are the words that my sister wrote to me, when I was in the midst of my discouragement, "Do not get hard on yourself. I have been kind of doing the same thing to myself. I know that I always need to try harder, and it is very important that I do so, but I need to also look at all the good things that I am doing. This last week was one of those weeks for me where I had to turn around how I was thinking, and then move on and continue to try harder while maintaining a positive outlook."

I know the blessings that come from doing that, trying to improve while still having a positive outlook. I have been trying really hard to do just that the last two weeks or so, and oh how much better I feel. I am happy, my stutter is almost unnoticeable now, I have peace in my life, and I feel the spirit much stronger than before. I know that God loves me. I know without a doubt that he answers my prayers. It does take hard work, but it IS WORTH IT!! Keep trying, never give up, and when it seems to get too hard, turn for help. Turn to God, and priesthood leaders. Beware, of the negative thoughts that come into your mind, for they are not of God. "Wherefore, all things which are good cometh of God; and that which is evil cometh of the devil; for the devil is an enemy unto God, and fighteth against him continually, and inviteth and enticeth to sin, and to do that which is evil continually." (Moroni 7:12) Continue striving to do your best, and access the atonement the best you can, by going to church, reading the scriptures and praying. If you do these things you can become a masterpiece in the kingdom of God!!

Here are some resources that could be of help to you:
"Do Not Despair" - Ezra Taft Benson
"From the Valley of Despair to the Mountain Peaks of Hope" - Harold B. Lee
"'Awake My Soul!': Dealing Firmly with Depression" - Steve Gilliland
"Overcoming Feelings of Inadequacy" - David S. Baxter
"Notwithstanding My Weakness" - Neal A. Maxwell
"LDS Family Services: Depression"

I love the Gospel, and I love happiness! I know that the gospel will bring us happiness. If there is anything that I can do to help you overcome depression, discouragement, or just a hard time, please let me know! 

Trash To Master Piece

Usually when you see pictures such as these you think, well that's a bunch of junk! It's just worthless trash! But, is that true? Or is there hidden value in this piles?

How often do you feel like worthless trash? For Americans it must be pretty often. According to American Foundation for Suicide Prevention,  over 34,000 people die each year due to suicide. That's about 90 people a day that take there own life. People do such things because they have thoughts like they are worthless, no one loves them, they are gone beyond repair, or there is no other way out. These are all tools that Satan uses to weaken us and try to overcome us. We MUST NOT let Satan win!!! All of those thoughts are lies from Satan, for we are children of God! And Christ has said, "Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God." (D&C 18:10) Our souls are of great worth, we have been sent here to this earth to do a great work. One of the purposes of the church is to "invite ALL to come unto Christ!" (D&C 20:59) not just a few, not just the ones that are rich, or educated or of high social status, but ALL! God wants all of his children to return to him, we are all worth it to him! We must not let the lies of Satan distract us from our goal to return to our Father in Heaven, we must maintain self-esteem, a realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself.

So how do we maintain a healthy self-esteem? Well, President James. E Faust said, "A key to an adequate self-esteem is humility. I do not mean the breast-beating, sackcloth-and-ashes kind of humility. I mean the humility that comes with inner strength and peace. It is the humility that allows us to accept and live with our own warts, without cosmetics to hide them.” Being humble is something that God wants us to be, it is very important in our lives. But being humble does not mean that we are supposed to tear ourselves down. I love what President Uchtdorf says about humility. "Some suppose that humility is about beating ourselves up. Humility does not mean convincing ourselves that we are worthless, meaningless, or of little value. Nor does it mean denying or withholding the talents God has given us. We don’t discover humility by thinking less of ourselves; we discover humility by thinking less about ourselves. It comes as we go about our work with an attitude of serving God and our fellowman." (Pride and the Priesthood.)

So to me being humble is realizing that we are a piece of trash, but have great potential. Meaning that there is not much we can do alone, and that we mess up and make mistakes everyday, but that we are happy with who we are, because we know that God loves us and we are trying! We know that through the atonement of Christ we can be made whole!

Stay tuned for "Look Through Heaven's Eyes," 
for the rest of the story.
Debuting June 2011